In a world obsessed with productivity, I’ve mastered something truly rare: doing absolutely nothing. And no, I’m not talking about “being productive in rest” or some other wellness buzzword. I mean full-fledged, unapologetic laziness. You know, the kind where you lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling fan, wondering if it’s always been that wobbly or if you’re in the final moments of your life.
Now, I realize this might sound like a natural talent, but believe me, doing nothing is an art—a skill I’ve honed over years. And you, my fellow overworked, overstressed, “I’ll just check one more email” person, need to learn it too.
Let’s face it—our lives are chaotic. In a city, the weekend isn’t even a real break. You’ve got weddings, birthday parties, and somehow every auntie in a 50-kilometer radius finds out you’re home and free.
But here’s the thing: doing nothing is actually good for you. I mean, look at me—okay, maybe I’m not the pinnacle of health, but mentally, I’m thriving. (Sure, my thriving looks a lot like napping, but that’s not the point.)
1. Brain Recharge
Your brain needs downtime. Think of it like your phone. It gets sluggish after too many apps are open, and you need to turn it off and on again. Doing nothing is like hitting the refresh button for your mind, except without the guilt that comes with three hours of mindless social media scrolling.
2. Beating Procrastination
Hear me out: when you’re fully in the zone of doing nothing, you become hyper-aware of all the things you could be doing but aren’t. Eventually, the guilt builds up, and boom—you’re motivated! It’s a sneaky way of tricking your brain into being productive. (This might be pseudoscience, but I swear it works.)
3. Avoiding Work (Skilfully)
Doing nothing is also a great tactic for dodging household chores. The key is to look extremely busy while doing nothing. Lie on the couch with a book in hand (you don’t actually have to read it) or sit with your laptop, frowning at the screen. When your family sees you, they’ll assume you’re doing something important and leave you alone.
How to Perfect the Art
Here’s how you can join me in becoming a guru of nothingness:
- The Stare into Space Technique: Sit somewhere, anywhere, and just stare. Your phone should be nowhere near you—this is not about being “usefully idle.”
- The Avoidance Manoeuvre: The moment someone suggests an activity, respond with “Let’s do it tomorrow.” Now, repeat this tomorrow.
- Nap Like a Pro: Become one with your bed. You’re not lazy—you’re restorative.
In a world where everyone is trying to do everything, being lazy is a radical act of self-care. So, the next time someone asks what you’ve been up to, proudly say, “Nothing.”
Surviving Awkward Social Gatherings
Ah, social gatherings—every introvert’s nightmare and every extrovert’s dream. Whether it’s a family wedding, your neighbour’s kid’s mundan ceremony, or yet another overly enthusiastic office party, awkward social situations are as inevitable in India as traffic jams and unsolicited advice from aunties. And guess who’s always the awkward one? Yep, me.
It starts the moment you walk in. You’re greeted by a sea of unknown faces, each staring at you with an expression that screams, “Do I know you?” Cue the awkward smiles and the obligatory Namaste Ji. If you’re lucky, someone might recognize you. If you’re not, you’ll spend the next 20 minutes nodding and pretending you’ve met these people at some distant relative’s function. Spoiler: you haven’t.
Once inside, the real battle begins—small talk. Now, let me tell you, I have the social skills of a potato. So when someone asks, “So, what’s new?” my brain goes blank, and I respond with the default, “Same old.” I mean, what else do people talk about? The weather? “Yeh baarish kab rukegi, haan?” Yeah, real stimulating stuff.
Ah, but there’s always the buffet to save the day! Food is the great equalizer, the universal escape. You can always retreat to the buffet line to avoid human interaction. Unfortunately, this comes with its own set of problems.
Picture this: You’re loading up your plate with samosas, trying to avoid eye contact, when someone inevitably shows up and asks, “Kitna khaoge?” or worse, “Dieting chal rahi hai kya?” You’re stuck in an awkward limbo where you can’t tell if they’re being sarcastic or serious. So, naturally, you laugh awkwardly and eat the samosa anyway. Priorities.
Then there’s the inevitable dance floor situation. At some point, someone—usually an over-enthusiastic cousin or co-worker—will try to drag you onto the dance floor. Here’s a pro tip: pretend your phone just rang. Seriously, nothing gets you out of dancing to Dil Le Gayi Kudi Gujarat Di faster than a fake urgent call. Works every time.
By now, you’re probably praying for the sweet release of home. But leaving early? Not a chance! You’ll be interrogated by every aunty in the room. “Itni jaldi? Sab theek hai na?” Yes, aunty, everything’s fine. I just need to go home and recharge my social battery before it completely dies.
In the end, you’ll survive. You’ll make it through the awkwardness, the small talk, the dance floor dodging—barely. And when you do, you’ll vow to never attend another gathering again… until next weekend’s family function.
